I wish I had the power to magically make everything simple and within reach. I am grateful for the trials and hardships that have to take place in order for myself and my family to appreciate what we have. I do wish that I knew all the answers ahead of time so that we could avoid anything that may become an unnecessary struggle, but I know that without that rough journey the end would not be as sweet as it could be.
I am starting up school again soon, and too frequently I feel a sting of guilt. It's going to be hard, I'm going to be busy and chances are I will be in an anxiety ridden state much more than I would care to be in. I don't want to feel like I am neglecting my baby and husband or the things that I take care of in our little family because of school. I know that with the endurance and motivation to follow through all the way to the end, this will be a vast blessing for our family. I don't know why I feel guilty about it; maybe because I feel like I had my chance and I messed up? That shouldn't be a reason though, should it? Life is about learning and most of the time that lesson is learned through mistakes. I made a mistake but because of the road I have been on between then and now, I know that I will savor the moment, and the moments to follow, my graduation.
I may feel guilty because of the loans that will have to be taken out for me to finish school, and there is no greater discomfort to me than a debt. I don't like to owe anyone and my stubborn streak prevents (through my choosing) me from asking for help. However, if I can find a great job with this degree that I am seeking, perhaps I will be an inspiration to other people who feel that they may have missed their chance to complete something and they will overcome their own pride and ask for the help to get them started.
My husband has been out of college for nearly a year now. While he has been able to find a few different entry level Tech jobs, he has yet to find his dream job. I know that it takes time. I know that everyone has to work through the crappy jobs to get to the one they stick with for awhile, but I also know that living in a place that has next to no polynesian population and a very different way of thinking is difficult for him. Hell, it's difficult for me, too. Growing up in a place, but becoming an adult somewhere else can lead to a bit of a shock when you return to where you grew up. I love it here, but my exposure to such a diverse place has made it...foreign feeling at times. Rodney has been actively searching for another full time job in an IT position that will lead to a better situation, but connections these days can mean the difference between an ok job and a possibility of a career. I wish I knew how to help him get to that career that he loves.
That may be another factor in my guilt; Rodney could have a better chance of having those connections near family or friends, but I'm starting school and we are anchored here until I'm finished? I don't know. He is fully supportive and has never given the slightest hint of not wanting me to return to school but I overthink everything.
Maybe going back to school and being anchored somewhere for awhile is what we're supposed to do? I could have my BA in less than 3 years from now. That could be time to build up the experience and resume that he needs for that job out there, and it could happen around my graduation.
I know things will work out, I just wish I could know when.
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