Chapter 27: Sick Baby

My poor girl woke up in the middle of the night with a fever.

She doesn't have the fever anymore but she has been wanting to cuddle or sleep all day. So that is what we've been doing.

When I went to the store this morning to get her some medicine, I found a little (and I mean little) baby blanket with multicolored owls on it for a couple bucks. She signs bird all the time because they're outside our window on the power lines, so I thought it'd be a nice little sick day surprise.

She hasn't let go of it since I brought it home except for during bath time.

How can someone be so beautiful when they're sick? She has inherited some great genes from her Tongan side, because I look like I'm sick even when I'm not! :]

Chapter 26: Scratch That

That last post was kind of a downer, sorry. We are certainly blessed and our struggles are small in comparison to so many others who are battling. We are happy. We are healthy. We miss the sunshine.

THIS is breathtaking, don't get me wrong...

...but we are genuinely missing this right now...No no, not the diapers...The BEACH. We like Baby M using the potty! :]

Chapter 25: Thoughts

I wish I had the power to magically make everything simple and within reach. I am grateful for the trials and hardships that have to take place in order for myself and my family to appreciate what we have. I do wish that I knew all the answers ahead of time so that we could avoid anything that may become an unnecessary struggle, but I know that without that rough journey the end would not be as sweet as it could be.

I am starting up school again soon, and too frequently I feel a sting of guilt. It's going to be hard, I'm going to be busy and chances are I will be in an anxiety ridden state much more than I would care to be in. I don't want to feel like I am neglecting my baby and husband or the things that I take care of in our little family because of school. I know that with the endurance and motivation to follow through all the way to the end, this will be a vast blessing for our family. I don't know why I feel guilty about it; maybe because I feel like I had my chance and I messed up? That shouldn't be a reason though, should it? Life is about learning and most of the time that lesson is learned through mistakes. I made a mistake but because of the road I have been on between then and now, I know that I will savor the moment, and the moments to follow, my graduation.

I may feel guilty because of the loans that will have to be taken out for me to finish school, and there is no greater discomfort to me than a debt. I don't like to owe anyone and my stubborn streak prevents (through my choosing) me from asking for help. However, if I can find a great job with this degree that I am seeking, perhaps I will be an inspiration to other people who feel that they may have missed their chance to complete something and they will overcome their own pride and ask for the help to get them started.

My husband has been out of college for nearly a year now. While he has been able to find a few different entry level Tech jobs, he has yet to find his dream job. I know that it takes time. I know that everyone has to work through the crappy jobs to get to the one they stick with for awhile, but I also know that living in a place that has next to no polynesian population and a very different way of thinking is difficult for him. Hell, it's difficult for me, too. Growing up in a place, but becoming an adult somewhere else can lead to a bit of a shock when you return to where you grew up. I love it here, but my exposure to such a diverse place has made it...foreign feeling at times. Rodney has been actively searching for another full time job in an IT position that will lead to a better situation, but connections these days can mean the difference between an ok job and a possibility of a career. I wish I knew how to help him get to that career that he loves.

That may be another factor in my guilt; Rodney could have a better chance of having those connections near family or friends, but I'm starting school and we are anchored here until I'm finished? I don't know. He is fully supportive and has never given the slightest hint of not wanting me to return to school but I overthink everything.

Maybe going back to school and being anchored somewhere for awhile is what we're supposed to do? I could have my BA in less than 3 years from now. That could be time to build up the experience and resume that he needs for that job out there, and it could happen around my graduation.

I know things will work out, I just wish I could know when.

Chapter 24: My Birthday

What a fantastic day. :] I have had nothing but happy moments since the moment I woke up this morning and saw a text from my Grandma that she was going to take me out to buy me some new jeans (I haven't bought new ones in over 5 years and it definitely showed) right up to now, as I am all cozied in bed next to my sweetheart and our little bed hog. So much laughter and all around fun as we gathered at my parent's table and had my favorite dinner- chicken tortellini- and talked about the day I was born, how much everyone thinks I am so great, etc... ;] After that we ate the yummy yellow cake with chocolate frosting that Rodney made! Then we had a short dance party, my Dad and I reenacted he and newborn me laying on a blanket in the sunshine (you'd have to know my Dad), watching awful recordings of Sing A Long Songs on YouTube (Still my favorite) and video gamed the rest of the night.

How grateful I am to be so close to my siblings and my parents. Unfortunately, not everyone has the same kind of bond and love that resides within our family but I was hit tonight with how that fact that I do have the blessing of that love, makes me sad for those who either can't or choose not to have that. I love my family dearly, and would be nothing without the support that they show me.

I was also informed, through my birthday present, that I will be taking a road trip down to Utah to see a very dear friend of mine that I have been missing severely missing lately! AAMMYY!! ( http://austandamy.blogspot.com ) I haven't seen her in like 40 years and we are in desperate need of a reunion. We are Dragon and Nighthawk. If you don't get that reference, look it up. If you still don't understand, well, get over it because we're moving on. I am so ecstatic to meet her little family and get to make some great memories with our little ones getting to meet and play! :] It will surely be a grand adventure and we plan on stealing ice cream from someone's freezer so...Look out Utah. :]

My little family has made this an incredible day and I am so glad to have been near to them this year to celebrate together. Wonderful gifts, laughter, food and sweet dance moves. What a fantastic day.

P.S. I registered for my classes today. I'm getting this thing done for real this time.

Chapter 23: Test Results & Ramblings

Didn't do as well as I wanted, but for not doing any level of math for over 5 years I feel like I did pretty good. Going to study my butt off for another week and try again on Thursday to see if I can place just one class higher so I can get my AA by June. Fingers crossed!

Baby M has been in the same pair of undies all day! HUGE step! Fingers crossed for that to continue as well! :]

I got a couple early birthday presents from my sweetheart today- a shirt that says "Make Art Not War" and a fantastic new hoodie/jacket. He knows me and my style so well, I am definitely impressed. I should mention that this is the first gift he's given me that was a surprise! He just can't handle the anticipation and worries that I won't like whatever it is he got for me. He did well! Love that man.

In roughly 5 minutes I will be 23. Unreal how time has flown since I finished high school. Don't quite feel 'old' yet, but I am definitely feeling some age difference related confusion as to some of the things kids are interested in these days. I was just thinking this morning how glad I am that Sesame Street is still on. ONE of my favorite childhood shows that hasn't been poisoned by laugh tracks and useless dialogue. I could, however, watch Gilligan's Island and M*A*S*H for hours on end. Back in the good ol' days when jokes were simple and, while there were laugh tracks, they were used for actually funny scenes...Trust me, I was like -30 years old, I know what I'm talking about.

I'd still really like that nap for my birthday.

...and a vacation...

HERE

Chapter 22: Melted Brain

Between the 19+ hours of studying I have logged in the last 4 days and racing to the potty only to be told "All done!" with nothing in the bowl, my brain is trickling down my spine. I have the placement test tomorrow and I'm not sure how much more I can cram into my head. I'm probably better off just resting and reviewing what I've already studied, but I am so unable to focus on anything other than what I haven't gone over yet.

My birthday is on Friday and I am either going to be ecstatic or mopey and lame depending on how the test goes. Probably not, I'll have cake to distract me from all of my sorrows and lameness.

I hope I get a nap for my birthday. :]

Chapter 21: Potty Training Part II

I hate it.

I want to shampoo my carpets so bad but she is nowhere near fully trained yet...I'm considering one of those Puppy Pad things. You know, the ones that have a bull's eye in the middle with some kind of chemical scent that draws the puppy to the center to do their business? Maybe they make one with a cookie scented center for small children.

She is in the tub, again, due to her last accident. Honestly I had to hide my face so she wouldn't see me laughing until I couldn't breathe. Now that she is recognizing the feeling when she has to pee, she gets all freaked out and runs in circles until I pin her butt on the potty. She has her potty chair right in front of her and instead of sitting, she continues to run in circles all the while spraying the entire room. It's not funny because I have to clean it up, but it's hilarious seeing a miniature human prance and pee at the same time.

She's lucky she's so darn cute. :]